winding whirlpools...

it is 5.20 pm right now and the day seems to have dragged her feet all over me... all i want to right now is pack my bags and come home...

i want to watch you as you sleep like a new born babe (baby)... long lashes still and fanning the dreams that keep your puppy brown eyes busy even as the rest of you lies peacefully in repose...

i want to hold in my hand your very own, the very same ones that make me feel warm on a cold winter evening, the ones that wipe away stray tears let lose by the one man i despise so mcuh, the ones that slap my back playfully in jest at a silly joke i managed to crack, the ones that feed me like a mother would in looking after her baby, the ones that caress my face tenderly when we are watching a movie and i shudder at some act of violence onscreen or am blissfully drifting into a dreamless sleep after a heavy meal...

i want you to wake up to me... smiling as our eyes meet, blushing as you pull me closer, tuck my hands between your and say 'i am so happy to see you...' that moment is a million smiles snuggled in one, a moment i crave for...

It is now official.... I am to be married off by my parents in early February 2009, to the man I love and yes he loves me back!

Why am I so blue then? I am sure you are wondering since those two words definitely do not sound good when placed beside each other! Let's recap.

It all began in class 10, when I was charmed by this dimpled, simple boy who kept to himself and let himself be bullied by one and all. He rocked the class when it came to Hindi lessons and otherwise lay back in the shadows. We were pretty close, since I was dating his friend then and also helped each other with subjects, languages the other had a problem with. Then school life came to an end and that was it, we each moved on and on our seperate paths.

Fast forward 2 years ago: life was ok, dragging along and very quiet, besides a dull and "kill me" job at MSN India (I still don't know why I took it up in the first place - I am thinking Harakiri!). Then someone tells me about Orkut and I join it to kill time and ofcourse meet people I already know and have lost touch with and maybe even meet and make some interesting new friends!

I think joining Orkut was fate completing the drawing of my life - since this is where he chanced upon me and sent me a scrap - 'Hey, do you remember me!' I replied back and with 3-4 scraps, I found out whom I was talking to. I would have been excited once upon a time to meet a long lost friend, but the new job at MSN, had dulled my happiness quotient!

I forgot to wish him on his birthday and I think he was upset about it, since he brought it up later on. We did meet up when a common friend suggested it and I'd decided after that, that I never wanted to see him ever again, since the shy, quiet guy I knew had turned into a major dude with an even major attitude problem (little did I know). Then, a week later it happened to be a common friends birthday and he told me that he'd pick me up and we could go to the party together. Poor thing I made him wait as I completed work and then at the party, it was pretty much everyone else on one side and the two of us on the other.

That day on, we were inseperable... we met literally every day for a week and by the end of that week, I knew there was something more to the whole situation than just reviving a lost friendship. I liked the chap, he'd taken of his full-on attitude mask and was so much more nicer, when he wasn't killing me for making him wait!

to be continued....

Things I've done growing up and still managed to be a mama's girl:

a) Run around with just a frock on my tiny body and no underwear - grand mum was scandalized even though I was just a brat with 4-5 teeth! She'd always tell mum that I would grow up to be like one of those skimpily clad models in Femina.

b) Picked up a muddy stray pup and its brothers and sisters in a shoe box I normally dragged my dolls around in and brought em home only to place them in a freshly cleaned sheet.

c) Dug holes all around the yard, in searching for the missing pair of the golden earing (as I called it) I'd found in School. Mum must have known I've absolute lack of space, mind and what ever else co-ordination!!!

d) Paraded around with sis in mum's finest of clothes pretending to be extremely tall models, trying very hard to balance on mum's stilletoes! And yes tearing the fabric that managed to get under those pointy shoes we were wobbling around on!

e) My constant bickering with a sibling 3 years younger than me. She btw thought she was the lord of it all and still does! I always wonder who's the older one.

f) Scared the wits out of my sister by telling her that there were monsters under the bed waiting to gobble her up, since she was forever climbing over a sleeping me to go to the bathroom or just go say 'hi' to mum and come back.

g) I used to go for Math tutions to a classmates house. To reach her house, we'd to walk on a really long and narrow cement wall surrounded by what I thought was really watery fields. I refused to walk on it and would sit down and drag my butt and legs along - took us 1/2 hour to cross it - Mum must have been mad since she had to carry my baby sis, and my heavy bag and wait as I proceeded at turtle pace.

h) Sis was all dressed up to be a tribal in a fancy dress competition. Only thing missing - she was very white and for some reason tribals are supposed to be black??? :O so mum goes around trying to find something that will help darken the skin... and here the budding artist namely me, fetches loads of black paint and begins painting my poor cherubic sisters face.... Mum certainly saw hell!

Loads of moments like this... will probably update it when more come to mind...

I stood there at the horrendously crowded signal on 100 ft Road, scared out of my wits that I'd be run over by a 'won't think twice before jumping signal' driver / rider. And there he was my pet peeve looking all the more hideous in a weird yellow and black contraption.... the very sight of him made my skin crawl.

I often wondered as to what about him made me turn into a conniving, theatrical, blubbering cartoon that's not being true to herself. I guess it was just the inane human need to have my needs fulfilled no matter what the medium or source. He crawled in slow motion upto where I stood and stopped with an indignant air about him. 'Where to Madam?' he half barks at me. I already know the answer to my retort that follows 'Kammanahalli!' I half whisper, not even making an attempt to make it sound like a request. I normally follow the name of my destination with an earnest sounding 'Bhaiya!' But today I wasn't in the mood to be nice. Expecting him to disappear with a shrug of his shoulders I turn the other way looking out for the next creepy crawly I could hitch a ride on. But, to my surprise, he persists 'Kammanahalli mein kidhar madam?' and like a robot I answer 'Nilgiris ke paas.' This time around he's quick on the draw and before I can turn away he brings down the meter with a swift move of his experienced hand and hints that I get in before the cop comes over and gives him a ticket. So I half throw my heavy laptop in, hoist my handbag and lunch bag in and hop in, still shaking from what had just occurred.

I've a record - I am sure an unbeaten one - of being rejected by 45 auto drivers in a row. I guess I've been rendered soul less by all the auto drivers I've encountered over the years. So much so I've assumed that all of them are straight from hell and none of them are humane. I now stand corrected! There are good souls such as this man who:

- ask you if the volume of the music that is being played is ok.
- apologise if the bumpy road makes you squirm as if it the auto that is at fault.
- tells you funny stories of his encounters with cops who refuse to get down from their vehicles.
- bares his soul to you because he feels you've eyes that reflect a caring soul.
- refuses to take extra money after having asked you for it, because you sounded worried when he coughed his lungs out.
- waited patiently even after you'd paid him and gotten down at a medical store to buy something because he knows you've to walk with all that luggage to your house which just might be some distance away.
- wakes up from his cozy afternoon nap to take you to the heart of the city, not complaining even as the drone of vehicles, summer heat and traffic jams get to you.
- smiles and says 'Your boyfriend looks like he loves you a lot' when the man dropped me off to an auto stand one morning.
- waits patiently as you pay your cellphone bill, is apprehended by a cop for parking under a 'no-parking' sign, is roasting in the heat of the unrelenting sun but still offers you a beatific smile when you reappear having battled a long queue to pay the overdue bill.
- offers to take you through a short cut not to make money on the sly but to help you avoid crowded lanes since you are a girl and need to be home before the unearthly hours descend.
- tell you to assure your mum (who's on the phone with you) that he will have you home in one piece.
- shows you pictures of his grand daughter minus her two front teeth offering that she was wearing something similar to what I had on that morning.
- calls you 'madam' even though you are almost half his age and continues to speak in perfect, unbroken English, of his transition from an engineer to a rickshaw driver so that he could serve people who depended on autos for transport daily.

I think of all this and yes I stand corrected again!

*build a wall around my happiness- kahin nazar na lage.
*walking with a lime & chilli in hand! (ref. above).
*live life in a comic strip. i so envy CaLviN!
*look for that last drop of vodka in my long emptied glass.
*find out why men are so fixated on white skin?
*test and see 'kya mein paanchi pass se tez hoon?'
*how to get better at math(0.95-8912*3084=@$%*^*#$*@)
*get a permanent bubble hovering over my head reading ‘ ’.
*figure what to wear to my colleague's siblings wedding.
*convince self n everyone around that I'm an angel.
*write something interesting - make believe or otherwise.
*not go whack my sister across her fat head!
*hire ‘contract killers’ to kill non-confirming clients.
*organize my unorganizable, omni-present chaos.
*stop being addicted to addictive things.
*find questions to my answers.
*find answers to my questions.
*see why i am almost never on the right side of wrong.
*probably give another meaning to the middle finger.
*be a song that is hard for the world to memorize.
*convince well settled skeletons in my closet to leave.
*wonder why at times i feel invisible when talking to him.
*to lose my 'i like to pretend i don't have one' paunch.
*decide on a 30 diamond ring or a big fat solitaire.
*understand the hype behind IPL!
*figure why i've made such big career blunders.
*be funny without trying.
*give up KFC, subway, sprite, DBC, pepsi and all that jazz.
*figur why my father didn't let me follow his footsteps.
*dance lithely like ash did in 'barso re...'
*reason with unbelievable stupidity.
*multitask - proposal, math, emails, eat and yeah chat!
*fill the very unforgiving minute.
*understand why storm follows calm and not vice-versa???
*love the skin i am in.
*remember the lyrics of 'Follow me' by uncle cracker.
*decide whom to vote for this election.
*figure what the fuck 'Jumper' all about - stooopid.
*get past my AB Jr. obsession.
*pretend i've a hangover 'coz t's saturday night!!!
*figure out how to run away from it all and still be there.
*believe...

1) We hadn't begun dating yet - probably had quite a bit of crush on each other but unwilling to accept it. Sis and him are as good friends as we are so she asks for the three of us to go on a lunch + movie date. Here we are in Rice Bowl, chattering away above the din of the restaurant, drinking beer, gulping food, talking about the movie we are going to and then suddenly it happened. I was holding his hand under the table trying to comfort or pacify him (cant remember the reason). We did not let go until it was time to pay the bill. It was at that moment I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!

2) After a dogged day of working away on the IT Tool, calling clients, writing Ramayana and Mahabharatha for emails and making proposals, I've a dinner date with my best friend. She turns up half hour later - I've already begun tucking into my steamed momo's and coke (blech! but I was famished for Christ's sake). We polished a heavy hearty meal and then her little brat decides to go running through Yo-China! I look on helplessly unable to chase him with a full tummy. He dashes to the other end of the room, runs into a fake potted plant, almost uprooting it, turns around beams us a beatific smile and continues his train like charge around the room.

3) We are sitting at the theater watching a movie - not that it was gripping or anything. With nothing to focus my grey matter on read be distracted the AC vent seem to be turning me into a shivering blue mass! He's always so warm! So I inch closer to him, wishing he would radiate some warmth to this poor soul. He senses I am chattering, hands me his arm to use as a comfort blanket of sorts... never felt so warm and secure in my life.

AB: Hey did you check out my ex's pic on orkut
MM: That pic is in the diddu's send off album or another one?
AB: Hold on hold on.. you na
MM: Wait wait... i found it finally
AB: Atlast!
MM: :D Am slow, but I get there!
AB: Yea!
MM: Wipe that grin off your face! or I'll beat ya
AM: Mam yes mam
MM: Right cheeky little devil only you are!
MM: Yeah she's a P.Y.T ;) lucky you!
AM: hahahahah huhuhu hehehehe she is wat??
MM: You dont know? Gasp! Means - Pretty Young Thing... How ancient are you!

[Frosty silence]

MM: Hey if she's a PYT, that would make me a POT!!!!

Gulp! and then the gravity of what I said kicks in!

MM: Shucks that din't quite come out the way I wanted it to!
[Unable to save face, quick witty repartee eludes me, thankfully AB is busy telling me about his girl and so the conversation moves on]

When "The Mensch" as I call her, told me that she wanted me to hunt him down and shoot him at sight without hesitation, I'd sweat beads on my forehead. No not because of the incessant power cuts or the unbearable heat that global warming was heaping on Bangalore, but just the idea of executing the plan she'd laid out for me.

It'd been a week since that fateful call was made. I was rubbing my hands and licking my parched lips in anticipation of drawing blood, of the fresh kill and the release I'd have as a result.

Polishing my assault weapon hadn't given me the immense pleasure that it was giving me now. I felt the smooth edges, the barrel was cold and minus a soul - perfect to serve the mission I was on. A flicker of doubt crossed my mind as I wondered whether I should catch him off guard or whether I should serve him his sentence and watch as my words had their effect and the words sank deep into his fearful eyes.

I eyed the room I was in, perhaps I should have opted for some sort of a camouflage? Naaaa... I'd some sort of fetish for instilling fear of the unknown in my victims mind. He or she would have no clue as to how this all would end up, I certainly did. I wanted them to remember every single detail, the ruthlessness in my eyes, the hard cold stare and a steely smile as I held my weapon and aimed it on his or her cranium.

"The Mensch's" words rang loud in my head, 'Show no mercy,' had been my strict dictum.

I was shaken out of my reverie by my chief informant. She'd spotted the victim and sped across the dully lit room to do what she did best, snitch on the unsuspecting. After all, it had been her masterplan to lure him into this well laid trap. She ached to get her hands on the victim but I forbade her as she was a rookie. I told her to sit back and watch as first blood was drawn.

I heard his unsuspecting footsteps up the abandoned stairway. The building had been evacuated for I did not believe in unnecessary panic. No one liked to witness a shoot for the fear of getting caught in it themselves. My reputation of shoot at sight and show no mercy had probably preceeded me here even. I shrugged my shoulders at the insolence of it all - I'd only my target in sight and nothing else in this world mattered now. I had to finish this one off and rightfully retain my place as the 'company's' chief marks man. No time for saving myself some grace on that sexist remark.

The door opened slowly - the creak was straight of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. The right foot appeared, then fawn coloured trousers, a white shirt and then a happy unsuspecting face. I drew my weapon and kept to the shadows as he went into the restroom to set his hair right. He liked making an impression - something I was aware of, having followed his every movement for the past few days.

As he walked out, I shadowed him to his seat. As he sat down, I motioned my informant to keep a straight face, wipe that silly grin she had on her face. He was about to open his diary to check his appointments for the day when I spun the chair around and got him to face me.

The shock registered, the look was that of a baffled man caught off guard, incoherent mumbling followed frantic limb movements to protect his being. I showed no mercy as I threw quickly threw a rope, then held in place by my assistant in a bid to bind his limbs to the chair. I minced no words in letting him know that I meant business and this was definitely IT!!!

He had no option but to pose for the company news letter in a decent fashion like we'd been requesting him to do for the past few weeks. Either this or we'd just publish his thrashing around photograph. He accepted defeat and made a twisted face at me, I shook my index finger at him, told him I'd all day and the patience required to get a decent mugshot. I'd the license to shoot and took my job very seriously as the official photographer of E-I and this one wasn't getting away easy!

I am passionate about:My family - mum, him, cousins, uncles and aunts:), my friends, food, books, social causes, wildlife, my country, cricket, music and my job... my life revolves around them!

Songs I can listen over and over too:Lady - Modjo, Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie, When Love & Hate Collide - Def Leppard, Fields Of Gold - Sting, Coming Back To Life - Pink Floyd and All Good Things - Nelly Furtado.

Things I say often:Guess what? / yeah right! / what the f***? / I love you / What? / Are you kidding me? / Sorry???

Last Movie I Saw In A Theater:Race - Saif is an absolute dish Akshay needs baddie lessons, Bips needs to look beyond the bad moll roles, Katrina actually acted :O Anil wasted, dont get me started on Sameera!

What Book Am I Reading: Trying real hard to read Inheritance Of Loss, unable to finish more than half a page each week!

Favorite Board Game:Monopoly ;) na i love scrabble any day!

Favorite Magazine:Loads of them really - National Geographic, Cosmopolitan, Elle, Femina - ridiculous some of them i know :P laugh all you want.. gag even!

Favorite Smells:Johnson's baby powder, the wet earth, my man's deos/perfumes - what ever he wears :P heavenly.... coolwater :)

Favorite Sound:A baby laughin, babblingor even gurgling, amitabh bachchan's voice man baritone sexuality! my man's voice and his singing (how ever rare!)

Worst Feeling In The World:Being alone... I'd prolly die!

What Is The First Thing I Think Of When I Wake?mmmmmm... what time is it? do i have another 10 mins?

Favorite Fast Food Place::) anything mum makes and yes yes myweekly dose of KFC's Zinger Burger - yumm yumm!

Future Child’s Name::) already thought of 2 - one each for the unborn boy and girl. Mum has threatened me with dire consequences should anyone I know name their kids what I've thought of! she wants em to be unique :)

Finishing This Statement. “If I Had A Lot Of Money I’d…”:Ill skip the Miss Universe / Miss Earth / Miss 'Who gives a damn!' statements - secure my childrens future.

Do I Drive Fast?:I don’t drive - but love it when the person I am with burns the black tar off the road :D

Do I Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?: NOPE! love my space!

Storms - Cool Or Scary?:Love em coz they create an electric and romantic atmosphere - been watching too many films? Yes siree :P guilty as charged!

What Was My First Car?:The 'if I had a lot of money...' would come handy here as well i'm thinking.

Favorite Drink:Milk / tequila / vodka / strawberry twirl - in no particular order....

Finishing This Statement, “If I Had The Time I Would …..”:join a salsa class and workout in a Gym i am yet to join!

Do I Eat The Stems On Broccoli?:nopeeeeeeee

If I Could Dye My Hair Any Color, What Would Be Your Choice?: burgundy... where is that elusive dye... my hair is a stubborn black!

Names Of AllThe Different Cities/Towns I Have Lived In:Delhi, Bangalore, Bahrain.

Favorite Sports To Watch:Crickettttt! hate the IPL ones though...

What’s Under My Bed?: books, paintings (in boxes), my bunny slip ons ;)

Would I Like To Be Born As Myself Again?:definitely - i love being me :)

Morning Person Or Night Owl?:night owl totally... I am a morning person tooo.... but a complete wise owl (read ass) at night!

Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?:neither....

Favorite Place To Relax:My deewan by the long french window in the hall.

Favorite Pie:blueberry cheese :) mmmm calories i know ;)

Favorite Ice Cream Flavor:good old pistacio....